Polyamory WeeklyAuthor: Minx
16 Aug 2018

Polyamory Weekly

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Tales from the front of responsible non-monogamy from a pansexual, kink-friendly point of view. For the full PW blog, visit www.polyweekly.com

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    559 My partners are making life decisions without me

    How to cope when your partners buy a house and consider adopting a teenager with little to no input from you.

    0:00 Introduction and host chat

    Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

    1:00 Host chat

    • Thanks toMiss Fisher Con 2018 for hosting us. You should sign up for next year’s mailing list!
    • Listen to episode 558 to find out more about our sex-positive panel at Miss Fisher Con 2018 and more about the event itself.

    2:00 My partners are making life decisions without me

    A listener wrote in to ask what to do. He is a queer male in a quad. Seven years ago, he and his partner T moved to be in the same city as W and E. They had talked off and on about cohabitation, and recently W and E decided to get a bigger house that would accommodate the four of them. W and E decided on budget and location and showed their final choice to our letter writer and his partner, which left him feeling excluded from the decision-making process. Later on, he asked about some jokes W and E were making, and it turns out they were considering adopting a teenager, which until recently would have been a deal-breaker for him. He shut down and curled into a ball. He wants to confront them, but he fears losing the relationship.

    • It’s helpful not to think of this as a confrontation but instead a transparency session where everyone gets to say what they think and feel in a safe space.
    • Focus on behaviors, not on assumptions about what those behaviors might mean. When you were bothered by your perception that W and E thought that the final home tour would be sufficient, own that you are talking about perceptions instead of actual communication.
    • Own your own sh*t and ask for what you want. You never indicated that you actually told them how and when or even that you wanted to be involved in the home-buying process—it’s your job to ask for that participation in so many words.
    • Assume goodwill all around. If you haven’t specified what you want, it’s best to assume others’ intentions are good.
    • This is a great time to begin the habit of full disclosure. Communicate early and often. State expectations expressly instead of keeping them to yourself.

    16:30 Happy Poly Moment

    Alan writes in about trying poly because his wife wanted to date an old college boyfriend. He found a special friend at a poly event and they spent a lovely weekend together during which he got to meet his metamours and had a fun poly family experience.

    18:30 Thank you!

    Welcome to Tara, Christopher, Katherine, Nicola, Kerry, Elizabeth, Tony, and Heidi as new Poly Weekly Playmates!

    19:00 How to make this podcast better

    Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. If you want us to teach a class at your event, want us to coach you, or want to appear on the podcast, email lustyguy@polyweekly.com.

    Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts!  Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”


  • Posted on 01 Aug 2018

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    558 When to give up on polyamory

    Allison Moon cohosts this episode offering advice to a listener who wants to know when to give up on polyamory that is making everyone unhappy.

    0:00 Introduction and host chat

    Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

    1:00 Host chat

    11:00 When to give up on polyamory

    A listener wrote in to ask when to give up on polyamory. They had been married for 10 years and opened up because they both liked the idea; they read all the books; already made all the mistakes; wrote their user manuals; and they both love the idea. But they have yet to feel compersion and now often go to bed sobbing or angry, and the husband is going through depressive episodes. When do you give up on polyamory?

    • In general, if a relationship structure isn’t making you a happier and healthier version of yourself, it’s OK to go back to one that is
    • If your reason for trying polyamory isn’t extremely compelling, maybe it isn’t right for you—don’t try to force something that feels wrong to you
    • How are you measuring success? Consider measuring success by lessons learned or happiness rather than by ability to “get” a partner or by the absence of jealousy.
    • All the emotions you feel are OK. Quit judging yourself for having emotions and instead use them to increase your self knowledge. Try the And then what
    • Ignore the “sunk costs” fallacy—everything you’ve done so far will make you better at any relationship, so don’t continue only because you feel you’ve invested so much in poly. You’ve invested that in YOU!

    25:00 How to make this podcast better

    Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts!  Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”


  • Posted on 16 Jul 2018

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    557 The Wet Coast Confessions of an Anxious Slut

    We chat with Kat Stark, blogger, podcaster, and author of Yelling in Pasties: the Wet Coast Confessions of an Anxious Slut

    0:00 Introduction and host chat

    Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

    1:00 Host chat

    • Episode 555 intro music has been fixed—thanks to those who wrote in to let me know of the error
    • Thank you to everyone who bought our books—we’re coming to Paris this fall, thanks to your purchases!
    • Come to the Life on the Swingset LGBTQIA+ takeover of the Desire Resort Riviera Maya in Cancún, Mexico! There will be live nude karaoke, demos of pegging, fisting, and flogging, speed dating, orgies and gang bangs and more! Find out more at com

    5:45 Interview: Kat Stark

    Kat Stark is a blogger and sex toy reviewer for OnTheWetCoast.com, they co-host the On The Wet Coast podcast, and have lent their voice as audiobook narrator for Cooper Beckett’s novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching The Swingularity.  They are a genderqueer, sex-positive, geeky, non-monogamous, Canadian, queer, bisexual, deviant, slutty, feminist pervert.

    We talk about why they wrote their new book, Yelling In Pasties: The Wet Coast Confessions of an Anxious Slut and what it’s like to open up a relationship, question one’s gender identity, and deal with anxiety in one’s mid-40s.

    You can find them on Twitter as @WetcoastKat on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/WetcoastKat and on Instagram as kat.stark.

    28:30 Happy poly moment

    Lala writes in about a wonderful experience with a person whom she’s been dating for six weeks.

    30:30 Thank you!

    Thanks to new Playmates Stacy and Kimberly, and thanks to Ulrike for the one-time donation!

    31:00 How to make this podcast better

    Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts!  Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”


  • Posted on 22 Jun 2018

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    556 Are shared calendars enough?

    A listener writes in to ask why she was surprised with her partner's dating someone else, even with shared calendars.

    0:00 Introduction and host chat

    Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

    1:00 Host chat

    The Netflix Party Chrome plugin lets you watch the same Netflix show simultaneously at different locations, and it has a chat feature!

    3:00 Are shared calendars enough?

    A listener is in a closed triad of eight months, joining a married couple (D and Y) of eight years in everyone’s first poly relationship. They only started sharing calendars two weeks ago, and our listener saw a date night on their shared calendar on our listener’s regular Friday date night. It turns out it was a couple D and Y had met previously, decided to have drinks with, and decided not to invite our listener. Our listener felt surprised and wanted to know how to handle scheduling with multiple partners.

    • It’s not unusual to feel bad about having someone else’s date night sprung on them as a surprise. Calendars are no substitute for communication.
    • Since you just started sharing calendars, let’s assume goodwill all around and chalk it up to a communication glitch. D and Y might just have fallen into their old couple communications patterns. Minx has had a hard time breaking her solo-poly decision-making patterns, so let’s take this as an opportunity to address a habit that might need to change.
    • Never assume; always ask.
    • If you want a standing date night, ask for it explicitly and ask for how you want it changed when changes are necessary.
    • Calendar changes are great opportunities to do relationship check-ins to see how everyone is feeling about the current relationships.
    • You get to have a say in dates and relationships that affect you. The Relationship Bill of Rights.
    • It’s generally better to give someone the option to say no rather than to assume the answer would be no and not invite them.

    13:45 Happy poly moment

    Natalie writes in with an adorable happy poly moment about her anniversary!

    16:15 How to make this podcast better

    Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts!  Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”


  • Posted on 29 May 2018

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    555 How to weed out the jerks

    A listener writes in to ask how to weed out the jerks when dating.

    0:00 Introduction and host chat

    Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

    1:00 Host chat

    3:10 How to weed out the jerks

    Heather writes in to ask whether she should leave “poly” off her dating profile, since the last few guys either dumped her for someone else or might have been lying about being divorced. How does one weed out the creeps when dating?

    • Poly is no guarantee of easy dating, any more than monogamy is
    • Tips from No Dick Pics: Your Guide to Creating an Irresistible Online Dating Profile
      • Define what polyamory means to you and state specifically how you practice it
      • Try putting in a “test”—link to your user manual and ask a question from it to weed out anyone who hasn’t read it. Or put in a quote from your favorite movie and request that respondents put the title of the movie as their message subject—that way, you can see immediately if they took enough time to read directions or not.
      • Set dating goals that are independent of other people’s actions, such as “go on five dates this month” or “meet with my friend to sift through messages together” or “spend one night a week on self-care”
      • Go do thing you love; be your best and happiest self

    15:15 Feedback

    Kim calls in to keep Minx honest

    16:15 How to make this podcast better

    Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here. Check out Poly Weekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write a review on Apple Podcasts!  Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”


  • Posted on 14 May 2018

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